Edie Won A Contest - Jeph Porter

Edie won a contest that was advertised in the local grocery store. A nice plump young lady helped her fill out the little slip of paper that was required for entry. It seemed like a small price to pay for the chance to be on TV. That's what the contest was for, a chance to be the next contestant on the very popular quiz show Hunter Houndstooth's, Guess What?
She got the news on a Monday morning from another nice young lady. She couldn't tell if this was girl was plump or thin or anything really because she was on the phone. She was very nice though and she told Edie with what she would assume was a smile that she was the lucky winner and that they were going to fly her to Hollywood California to be on Hunter Houndstooth's, Guess What?
Edie couldn't believe her luck.
One month later she was sitting in a chair under some very hot lights getting ready for her first appearance on TV. Edie looked at the cameras and the busy men running around to make it all look so pretty and she thought to herself, I could get used to this, very used to this.
And the studio filled up with bug eyed tourist and local gawkers there to see a real life television show committed to video tape. It was all very exciting, Edie felt like a movie star.
The lights dimmed and the oh so familiar theme music kicked in over the speakers. It was almost time! Edie held in a giggle and fidgeted in her chair. She looked across the stage as the announcer's voice bellowed over the shiny floor right towards the golden curtains. They split down the middle and...and...and....there he was!
Hunter Houndstooth strolled onto the stage like a Roman gladiator taking a chariot ride around the Colosseum. He waved to the adoring crowd, he smiled to the band, and he reached out to shake the hands of the lucky few in the front row. Edie wasn't jealous though, because she knew only she would be close enough to smell him tonight.
Houndstooth strolled the length of the stage greeting his life blood with his charming smile. He shifted his gaze in a pre-determined path across the breadth of them until he filled his quota of hellos and turned to the band that was winding up its tempo for a big release. And as Houndstooth made it close to Edie, mounting the small pedestal their chairs sat on, he swung his arm in the air and signaled the band to pull out the cork and let the ship sink. And the band molested their instruments as if they where choking the life out of an animal, Houndstooth leapt from the pedestal as if to kill it and the final drum hit then signaled the final blow to the beast.
The crowd erupted.
"Goooooooood Evening! Ladies and Gentlemen!" Houndstooth bellowed.
The crowd took his enthusiasm and threw it back at him with a few whistles and hollers thrown in for good measure.
"We have," he continued, staccatoing his words between their cheers, "a very special show tonight."
Edie saw only the back of his head, the grease holding his perfectly combed hair back bounced the spot light hitting him towards her in a glare. Edie felt nervous for the first time, but she told herself it was nothing to worry about, she was in capable hands.
"Ladies and Gentlemen," Houndstooth went on, "I want you to meet a very good friend of mine. She's come a long way to be with us tonight, and I'm glad she did. Ladies and Gentlemen will you help me please in saying hello to tonight's contestant Edie Longhorn!"
The spot light twitched off Houndstooth and pinned Edie down to her chair. She beamed her smile, not the white vibrant smile of Hunter Houndstooth, but the best she could muster. The crowd cheered for her too though, like they had for Houndstooth and this made Edie feel good, she liked it very much when people cheered for her.
Houndstooth had found his way to the chair opposite Edie and smiled at her enjoyment. Edie turned to him and was in awe, his skin was golden brown and his eyes where a deep blue like the beach she saw from her hotel and the blue waves that lapped against it's shore. His hand came over to meet hers and it was warm and soft, decorated with gold and silver rings.
"How are you tonight Edie?" He said softly, the jovial ringleader stripped from his voice and replaced with a placating confident tone.
"Well," Edie said, surprised by her own voice, "I'm very glad to be here tonight"
"You're a very lucky lady aren't you?" Houndstooth said, reaffirming his smile.
"I don't know, I suppose"
"Edi is our big winner," Houndstooth said turning to the audience, "Each year we hold a national contest to find one lucky person to be a contestant on our show." The crowd murmured at this news, "Edie happens to be this years lucky winner!"
The crowd politely applauded her, their cheers overenthusiastic so as to cover their jealousy.
"Now you're here to see if we can't make you an even bigger winner aren't you?" Houndstooth said to Edie.
"That's what I hope to do" Edie said with a small nod and a smile that prompted the crowd to cheer again. Their excessive cheering made Edie laugh with embarrassment, no one should be cheering this much for her! This was the greatest day of Edie's life!
"Now Edie!" Houndstooth said cutting over the noise of the crowd and taming them down to their seats, "You're familiar with how our show works?"
"I think so, I've been watching for years"
"Good good," He said tapping her hand and taking it away to find his cue cards, "For those of you at home I'll tell you how it works. I'll present Edie with a series of clues and she'll have three chances to guess what I'm referring to. If she doesn't get a correct answer we turn her over to the Guesstimator, which will randomly pick a consequence to befell the item in question. But, if you manage to get a majority of the questions right, you get the chance at a prize behind one of the Guess What doors. Do you have any questions Edie?"
Edie looked to the ceiling, the bright light catching her eye and she shook her head no.
"I'm ready to play" she said, bouncing a bit in her chair.
"You said it, now help me say it again" Houndstooth said taking her hands, "Edie what are we going to play today?"
The excitement that had been welling up since that first phone call, and building in her belly on the plane ride over let itself out as Edie screamed her head off.
"Guuuuueeeesss Whhhaaaaatttt!!!"
And the crowd took every ounce of her excitement and regurgitated it into their own, vomiting cheers and hoots onto the stage.
With a lighting change came the first questions.
"Okay Edie, for the first question I'm going to make it simple." Houndstooth pulled his blue cards close to his chest. "This object is something you know very well, but if you wanted to show a friend, you couldn't bring it to her"
Edie sat in silence thinking hard, again looking at the bright light.
"Microwave?" She said
"No," Houndstooth said, "Something you couldn't take with you"
Edie cursed herself.
"Okay second clue," He flipped the next card over, "They say this object is a man's castle"
Edie looked at him blank, he husband had been dead a long time, she hadn't known any other men.
"A castle?" She suggested? The crowd laughed.
"No Edie, like a man's castle, not actually a castle"
"Oh darn it."
"I'm afraid I'm going to have to count that one. Last clue" He looked at a different card, "This is where you live"
"Cincinnati!" Edie said with no hesitation.
"I'm afraid not Edie," Houndstooth said with a frown.
The crowd ooohhh'd
"It's actually your house" And a large picture of her house came up on a screen behind them, "And let's take it over to the Guesstimator"
A large computer with blinking lights and terminal screens on it was hit by the spot light now.
"Hey Guesstimator!" Houndstooth called
"Hrm?" The machine said as if waking up. "Oh, hello Mr. Houndstooth. Got another one for me?"
"I sure do!"
"Well let's have it!" The machine said, "I sure do love guessing about things"
"Okay Guesstimater, here it comes" Houndstooth took the card with the answer on it and fed it into a slot next to his chair. The machine made some number crunching noises and along the light display at the top the words EDIE'S HOUSE scrolled across.
"Well Mr. Houndstooth, what should we do with this?" The machine asked rhetorically.
"I don't know," Houndstooth said smiling, "You tell me"
The crowd loved this and they laughed. Houndstooth turned to them with a smile, his hands up in defense.
"Let's see, according to my random calculations," The machine churned more numbers and at the bottom another screen light up, "Burn it down" Guesstimator said as the screen read the same thing.
The crowd let out a sigh.
"You heard him Edie," Houndstooth said turning to her. He pointed to the screen behind them where a live video feed showed several Guess What employees dousing her home in gasoline then setting the home on fire. "Let's hope you do better on the next one" He said as the screen went blank.
Edie didn't do much better on the next one, or the one after that. She managed to guess dog when they talked about her dog but that was an accident. She really said Doug, because when Houndstooth said "Someone you buy food for" she thought he meant Doug the little African kid she supported. But Houndstooth heard her wrong and they gave her the point anyway.
So far she had lost her house, her life insurance plan, her investments, her car, her favorite meat market and the bus line that ran in front of her house. Each time the Guesstimator had determined some cruel or unusual fate be bestowed up them. Edie thought this was harsh, but she was new to TV so she couldn't be sure.
At one point Houndstooth said "They tell you when you're tired and they take you to bed" Edie said eyes but he meant legs and the first two clues weren't very helpful either. When Houndstooth asked the Guesstimator what to do about Edie's legs he said she should cut them off. So Houndstooth gave her a saw and she pulled it through both her legs.
By this point there was a lot of blood on the stage and Edie had even vomited once or twice from exhaustion. But they had some doctors on hand to make sure the bleeding wasn't out of control and that made Edie feel better about everything in general.
She was surprised but glad that the audience had stayed. She couldn't believe anyone would be this thrilled to see little old her on TV for so long.
"Okay Edie." Houndstooth said with a calm smile finding her glassy eyes, "How are you feeling?"
"I'm doing great Mr. Houndstooth!" She said trying to raise her thumb, but she was a little too tired for that.
"That's good" He didn't touch her anymore "We've got one more question and its a special one. Are you ready?"
Edie nodded her head with a smile.
"Okay, first clue" He held up the card, "This group of people collectively earn over five-hundred thousand dollars a year"
Edie thought about it real hard, it was kind of hard to think when her stumps were still throbbing but she pushed past it.
"The President?" She said.
"No Edie," Houndstooth said, "A group of people. That means more than one. Next clue" He adjusted himself in his seat, "If you had all three of these people in a room, you could safely say you had something to talk to them about"
Edie knew a lot of people she could talk to, but just three? Who could it be?
"God?" She said
The crowd broke down laughing
"No, but that's a good one!" Houndstooth said, "We don't count triune-gods on this show"
Edie felt embarrassed. She only had one chance left and if it wasn't God, she didn't know what else she had to rely on.
"Last clue" Houndstooth said with a wry smile. His blue eyes no longer looked at Edie with love. They were expecting now.
"Everyone in this group has the same father"
Father? Edie thought. Who did she know that all had the same father? She couldn't think, her legs hurt very badly now and the lights had started to give her a head ache. She lingered on the questions.
"I need an answer Edie" Houndstooth pressed.
Edie shook her head. "I don't know"
"Give me something Edie," He pleaded, "Make something up"
"A robot" She said desperately and the crowd ate it up. They spat back at her with laughter and ridicule. Even Houndstooth joined in the laughing.
"A robot!?" He asked mockingly, "When I said make something up I assumed you knew I meant something plausible!"
She didn't know that, she didn't know anything anymore.
"No Edie, a robot is not the right answer." Houndstooth stood and walked towards the Guesstimator, "The right answer is --" And he motioned towards the curtain, "All the way from Cincinnati Ohio, Greg, Hank, and Trudy Longhorn! Your children!"
The curtain opened and behind it, bound to three chairs were poor Greg, Hank and Trudy. The look of fright compounded in their eyes as they saw Edie legless and in shock.
"Now Guesstimator," Houndstooth said putting his hand on the machine, "What do you think we should do about this one?"
"Well boss," The machine said clunking to life, "Let me see here." Guesstimator churned and crunched. The crowd was silent, Edie was silent, her children were silent and even Houndstooth seemed to wait in anticipation.
"Eat them" The machine said.
The crowd moaned.
"Well," Houndstooth said bringing a printed card over to Edie, "You heard the machine"
Edie nodded.
"Tell you what Edie," Houndstooth said, leaning down next to her and brushing some of the sweat-matted hair from her face, "You've had a rough day."
She nodded again.
"But did you have fun?"
She smiled, nodded her head a third time.
"That's good," Houndstooth brought back his nurturing smile, "How about this? What if I offer you the grand prize tonight even though you only got one point, if you go through with this last challenge?"
Edie thought about it, those were her children, the only ones she'd ever had or would ever have. But none of them had gotten her on TV. She filled out the form, she took the phone call. She answered all the questions, even if she did get them all wrong.
"I'll do it Mr. Houndstooth" She said through breaths.
"That's my girl!" Houndstooth said slapping her shoulder.
Her children were wheeled up to her on a table, bound still but covered in barbecue sauce. There was a gun on the table and she reached for it. Aiming it at her children's heads, she prepared them for dinner.
"Ladies and Gentlemen" Houndstooth said approaching the audience as Edie began to dig into her oldest son, "Help me by thanking Edie for being such a good sport tonight"
The crowd cheered and applauded.
"I'd like to thank our sponsors tonight, and the network as always. Remember that anyone can be a contestant on Guess What, just go to your local supermarket, bank or any other participating retailer and fill out a simple questionnaire. I'm Hunter Houndstooth and thanks for watching, Guess What?!"
The band found its groove again and kicked it in as the audience danced to the beat presented. Houndstooth stopped for a moment to look at Edie barely halfway through her first born, covered in BBQ sauce. She didn't notice as she choked it all down that he disappeared behind the curtain to get ready for another show.